The Birth of Asa Beck

This is going to be a long post, and since I wrote a post the morning of the day I went into labor, I'll refer you to that for some background, and I'll take it from there...

For several hours after my appointment with my midwife on the morning of 11/30, I felt really crampy. I picked up Ewan from daycare in the early afternoon and came home to meet Troy and my mom, who had just arrived from NY. We hung out with them for a short time, then I put Ewan down for a nap. While I was putting him down, I noticed that the cramps were now feeling more like actual contractions that would wax and wane. It was around 2 p.m. Once Ewan was asleep, I came out of the bedroom and told my mom and Troy I was having contractions, but that I also knew it could be nothing. For the next couple of hours, I hung out with my mom and took care of things around the house, and all the while the contractions were continuing at intervals ranging from 3 minutes to 12 minutes apart. They were uncomfortable, but not painful. During this time, the sunny, breezy day was becoming unusually windy. I texted with a friend and mentioned that I'd been having contractions that felt stronger than the Braxton Hicks I'd been experiencing, and she wrote back and said that if this did turn out to be labor, I should use the wind as a reminder to breathe. I liked that idea and held onto it in the coming hours.

By late afternoon, I let the rest of our birth team know what I was experiencing as a heads up that this could be the start of labor. For this birth, our birth team would include a doula, two of my good friends (hopefully), and now my mom, as well as obviously Troy and me, one of three midwives I'd been seeing throughout my pregnancy, and the nurses at the hospital. Troy's mom would be taking care of Ewan. We hadn't planned on hiring a doula this time (mainly due to financial reasons), but I had remained in touch with Mireille, the doula who we had hired for Ewan's birth, but who couldn't be there due to unexpected medical issues of her own. We all felt sad that she hadn't been able to make it to Ewan's birth, so we decided to try again with this birth. It was looking like we were going to have quite the team to bring this baby into the world!

By 8 p.m., things were still continuing in a similar manner, although the contractions were getting a little stronger. We got Ewan ready for bed, and while we were getting him to sleep, Troy's mom arrived, ready to spend the night with Ewan should we find ourselves headed to the hospital soon. I believe it was shortly after she arrived and we got Ewan to sleep, that the power went out. It wasn't raining, thundering, or lightning, but the wind was strong enough to have knocked down branches and trees all over the county and caused widespread power outages. Around this time, I noticed that my contractions were getting stronger and longer and were coming at more regular intervals, although these intervals were farther apart than some of the previous contractions. While Troy and my mom laid down to get some rest, I called our doula, Mireille, to let her know what I was experiencing. She said everything sounded really normal, and that my labor was "organizing." Since it was around 9 p.m. and we were potentially in for a long night, Mireille suggested that I try to get some rest and see if I could doze off in between contractions. I told her to try to sleep, too. But first she called the hospital to let them know that we may be in later that night and that we were hoping for a room with a tub.

I had a snack, then got in bed around 9:30. Almost immediately, I had a pretty strong contraction that I really needed to breathe through. Then another seven minutes later, and another seven minutes after that. This pattern continued, and I wasn't having any luck sleeping since the intervals between had grown shorter. I told myself I would try my best to stay in bed for at least an hour, though, which I did. By about 10:45, the contractions were coming more like six minutes apart and were pretty strong. I started feeling very alone and decided to wake up Troy. We went into the living room together where we decided to sit through and time a few more contractions before calling Mireille again. Troy joked about us laboring in the dark with no electricity, and we had some good laughs about him having to wheel me out to the barn in a wheelbarrow to birth our baby. This was great distraction for me in between what were now fairly intense contractions. Around 11:30 or so, we called Mireille again. The plan had been to have her come to our house, where we would stay until I was clearly in active labor. However, we started thinking it might be better just to meet at the hospital since my labor seemed to be picking up fairly quickly now, and because of the power outages and downed trees all over the roads. When I called her and suggested that plan, she agreed that that would be fine, but left the decision up to us. She was more than willing to join us at our home if that's what we preferred. But at this point I was pretty sure I was at least approaching active labor and I felt more comfortable just heading over the hospital to get settled. Ewan had also woken up a couple of times and was disoriented with Troy's mom in there and only wanted me. Having my toddler screaming for me in the next room was not conducive to laboring peacefully, so I was pretty ready to be on our way. Mireille thought from my description of my contractions and the way I still sounded pretty "together," that it might be a little early to head to the hospital, but again she left the decision up to us. We said we would wait a little while longer, but upon hanging up with phone with her, I had three contractions at four minutes apart, and we decided we were ready to go. I called her back and she agreed that it sounded like there had been a pretty rapid shift, and she said she would meet us at the hospital in 30 minutes. I was also in touch with my friends, Amber and April, to let them know our plan. Amber said she would also meet us at the hospital as soon as she could, but April had let me know earlier in the evening that she wasn't sure she would be able to make it after all.

Troy and my mom loaded up the car while I breathed through another contraction or two, then we headed out just after midnight on 12/1. Upon walking outside, I was immediately struck by the beauty of the night. It was chilly and clear, with the brightest stars I'd seen in a long time. The wind was still howling, and, breathing through another contraction, I felt myself filled with the energy of the night. I was invigorated and ready to go birth our December 1st baby.

The ride to the hospital was almost eerie. The roads were literally coated with a thick layer of leaves and branches. There were few cars on the road, but of course we happened to get stuck behind one that was going about 20 mph the whole way. But we made it with no other problems and got settled easily. And we even got the last room with a tub, news I was thrilled to hear, even though I had no idea how much of a difference it would make in the coming hours. After checking in, the nurse checked me and determined that I was just over 5 cm dilated - good news! Mireille arrived just after that, and Amber shortly thereafter. Someone started running the bath for me, and, while we waited, Troy sat by my side and helped make sure I was remembering to breathe and relax my face and body through contractions, and Mireille massaged and applied pressure to acupressure points in my feet. I had a strong contraction and had my first real moment of weakness of the labor. Now being in the hospital, I was very aware that pain medication was an option, and I shed a couple tears and muttered something about how I was thinking about an epidural. What I think I really wanted, though, was encouragement and for my team to tell me to give the bath a try first. Sure enough, that's exactly what they did.

So Troy and I got in the tub and instantly everything changed for me. The warm water felt so good and made everything so much better - the pain of the contractions lessened, the lower back pain I'd been experiencing in between contractions was better, and I instantly relaxed and became less fearful of the birth. Mireille had set up some battery-operated candles in the room and turned out the light, and also sprayed a really nice aromatherapy mist, creating a really peaceful atmosphere in the room. I laid back against Troy and relaxed. After breathing through my first contraction in the tub, I sighed and said, "No problem!" and Troy and I both laughed. For close to two hours, we laid in that tub, sometimes quietly, sometimes chatting and even laughing in between contractions. I continued to feel pretty normal in between contractions, never completely entering the otherworldly "labor land" you sometimes hear about. I was tired and a little spacey, but otherwise fully capable of conversation in between contractions. At one point Troy brought up the topic of baby names (the first time he had initiated that conversation in the entire previous nine months) and I cracked up and yelled out to the rest of the birth team that Troy was finally ready to discuss what to name this baby. And we actually did discuss it some. I did not at all expect to be able to carry on this type of conversation in active labor (with Ewan's birth I had had an epidural by this point), but I was totally up for it. One thing I think they should emphasize more in childbirth classes is the bliss that is the time in between contractions. Yes, the contractions are very painful, but you have such a nice break in between! When I was able to fully be in the moment in those breaks, I felt totally fine and did not fear what was coming. I made a point of focusing my attention on those breaks, which are as much deserving of a name as the contractions are (maybe "untractions"?). During the contractions, Troy breathed with me and massaged my face and reminded me to remain loose, especially through the face, jaw, and shoulders. Whereas with Ewan's birth I used a lot of vocalizing to get through contractions, this time focusing on my breath - in through the nose, out through the mouth - was the single most helpful thing (besides my support team and the tub) during my whole labor. My breath, my wind.

During our time in the tub, Mireille checked in with us regularly and offered her support, but seeing that we were doing well on our own, also left us alone quite a bit. Amber and my mom checked in occasionally, too, and they all tried to get some rest, too. The nurse came in every half hour to listen to baby's heartbeat with a doppler, and he sounded great every time. Otherwise, we were intervention-free and loving it.

After probably an hour and a half in the tub, I started wondering whether I was actually making any progress. I was really tired at this point, and had actually started dozing off in between contractions. I began worrying that I was getting too tired for the really hard work that I knew was coming, so I called Mireille in to see if she thought I should maybe get checked for progress. We discussed the pros and cons of this and the possibility of the nurse checking me while I was in the water, and I believe it was during this conversation that I hit another wall and started crying a little. I told her that I was worried that I had been laboring all this time and might be stuck at 5 1/2 or 6 cm. I let her know that I was exhausted. And just then, I was hit with a very strong contraction and I felt my water break. Mireille supported me through the contraction, then went to tell the nurse that my water had broken. Soon the midwife came in to check on me. She asked me how I was doing and I let her know that I was scared. She was sweet and supportive. They asked my permission to turn on the light to make sure the water was clear. Thankfully, it was - no meconium. We decided that, following the next contraction, she would check me for dilation. But the next contraction hit me like a bolt of lightning. It was incredibly strong and I remember feeling panicked and calling out, "Help me! I need help!" The force of the contraction took over my body and I remember looking at the toilet thinking that maybe I needed to go, but wondering how I would ever make it the three feet from the tub to it. Just then I also felt sick and I dry heaved. The force of that must have been enough to thrust baby downward, because I felt him like a bowling ball in my pelvis and I called out, "I think the baby's coming!" The midwife then reached between my legs and said to the nurses (of which there now seemed to be at least a couple in the room), "The baby is on the perineum," and then to me, "I need you to get out of the tub." (They won't let you deliver in the tub in this hospital.) "I can't!" I said, to which she responded, "YES, YOU CAN!" The next thing I knew, I was being lifted out of the tub. I saw a blur of blue scrubs, and with the support of this team of people, I guess I managed to put one foot in front of the other and I actually made it to the bed in the other room. En route from the bathroom to the main room, I realized two things: 1. This baby would be here soon, and 2. There was no turning back now. I was going to have the natural birth I had so badly wanted but equally feared. It was time to really let go of the fear because it was too late for medication now. I had to do this and I was about to. I felt my first hints of pride, satisfaction, and relief. With those feelings propelling me forward, I climbed up onto the bed so that I was on all fours. And I stayed there. I remember someone asking, "Is this how you want to birth your baby?" which was entirely too complex a question for me to process in that moment, so I just said, "I don't know," and I didn't move. I guess they had their answer.

I heard someone say to Troy, "You might have time to put on a shirt," and I realized that he was standing there, dripping wet, in just his bathing suit. Then I became very aware of the fact that I was naked on all fours with a bunch of people gathered around my butt, and that my body was doing things I had no control over. If that wasn't awkward enough, after the intensity of the last few minutes, I now didn't feel much of anything except for the discomfort of the boulder between my legs, and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do. "Should I push?" I remember asking, and I think someone told me to just listen to my body. Eventually, my body did indeed tell me to push, so I did. Mireille supported my forehead while I did so that I didn't have to hold my head up, and I only realized how wonderful that was when she had to step away for a minute. The pushing was not nearly as painful as I had imagined - not that much different than it had been with Ewan with an epidural. Baby was crowning after only a few pushes, and his head came out without much trouble. But it was a different story with his shoulders. I pushed a couple times, but he remained caught between two worlds. The next thing I knew, the midwife said they were going to flip me on my side, and, suddenly, there I was, lying on my side with someone holding my leg up and everyone urging me to push as I hard as I could. And again. And again. No breaks allowed now! I sensed the urgency in their voices, and I gave it everything I had. I don't know how much time passed - probably not more than a minute from after his head was out - but at 3:37 a.m. the rest of his body slid into the real world and there he was, against my chest. He perked up immediately and showed off his good lungs with a mighty cry, and I fell instantly in love.

And then I asked for pain meds. And everyone laughed, but I was serious. The pain continues after baby is out, and that's just not fair! But otherwise all the post-birth stuff went just fine. I tore a little, like I did with Ewan, and it wasn't a huge deal. Asa and I got a lot of skin-to-skin time, which was a nice distraction from what was going on a little farther down my body. I nursed him for the first time when he showed signs of being interested, and we've had a great breastfeeding relationship ever since then. A couple hours after Asa's birth, we all finally drifted off to sleep, only to wake up less than two hours later ready to introduce our sons to each other and be together as a family of four for the first time.

So that was Asa's birth, at least as I remember it. It was one of the most amazing and definitely most empowering experiences of my life, and, as with Ewan's birth, it was an incredible bonding experience with Troy. I cannot imagine having done it without him being right there with me the whole way. And the support of Mireille, Amber, and my mom was invaluable, as well. Everything seemed to fall right into place so perfectly and I am so grateful for that. And I continue to be incredibly grateful as I watch our little Asa grow and thrive and witness and experience the love within our little family continuing to expand beyond what I ever thought possible.